I Wear Red On Christmas Eve

 



I wear red on Christmas Eve

For you and for me

Why is red the big color on Christmas?

(I digress)

 

We go to church

And it takes me back to when I was 12. 

The sights, the sounds, the smells

Even for a trans woman

Church feels safe

 

You’re with me

And you’re looking so beautiful

I try to outdo you

In my red, my cashmere jacket, my boots

I fail

There is no outdoing you.

 

I wear red on Christmas Eve

In hopes that we will kiss

 

And we’ll go to a party

And they’ll say “Where were you?”

“Church”

“Church? Two lesbians?”

And we’ll just laugh

Because we know the joys God brings

Are beyond the boundaries set by men

 

After all, God brought us together

Did She not?

 

We sit by the fire

(A fake one, please)

And sip something

Mulled wine

Spiked egg nogg

Your choice

And we cuddle

And we dream

Of a better world

Of being grateful for a beautiful night in this one

I can hear your heart beating

And I won’t let myself believe it’s for me

No matter how many times you tell me it is

 

 

I wear red on Christmas Eve

I’m waiting for you to find me

The service is about to start

I’m on the corner

Do you want to see me?

Do you want a night where all our dreams come true?

Come to me

My arms are open

The service is starting

They’re singing Hosanna in excelsis!

Let’s praise God together

And praise our bodies tonight

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Alex, You're Glowing!" Nickelodeon, Natalie Merchant, the Pink Opaque and Me

Image
There are distinct memories we carry from our childhood years. Some are real but most are a knitted assortment of fractured recollection, sensory encounter, flattened context, life experience, and shifting perspective. What we are remembering is not what actually happened, it's how we remember it from the last time we thought about it. And if you live long, you create a train of thought where jangled memory defines present reality. All that to say, I have many distinct memories about driving home in the back of my mom's car after visiting my grandparents. The son is setting and I, for reasons that are unclear to me, am feeling maudlin. My mom didn't get to experience much of her young adulthood before I was born, so unlike most of her contemporaries that favored Madonna, White Snake, and other 80s music, she would always have on alt stuff from the 90s, perhaps to try and enjoy the moment. And not Nirvana or Pearl Jam, but the kind of acceptable pop stardom for parents. Alan...
Read more

11:59 Forever

Image
 A Halloween poem... It’s Halloween night and you’re 16 Coming off a boring shift at the grocery store And looking forward to doing nothing and falling asleep   You hear the kids outside It sounds like fun Fun has never been for you   But you see someone enter the dark space to your room It’s you, it’s me! You don’t believe… I’m in a long black robe with a black wig And my eyes and lips are painted Our eyes and lips are painted No they’ll laugh at you   But I smile “I know you Allison __ Shuttup, yes, you are Allison Take my hand” I extend it   You’re too scared You love the comfort and safety    So fuck it I GRAB your hand…   And we are here Halloween night The West Village 24 years later   When people asked what my costume was I didn't know what to say at first Eventually, it came to me... I am the ghost of Halloween past That was queer magic That was you, at last getting to have fun   Let’s go in this bar And see…   And see! See ...
Read more

There's No Crying In Church (Our Bodies Are Not Our Own)

Image
  I haven't had many awful days as a trans woman but Saturday was shaping up to be one. I woke up to the horrifying news out of Venezuela, another moment of political exhaustion and frustration. I try not to talk politics too much in this space; I have plenty of opinions but nothing of value that you can't get elsewhere. I lift this up because even by the standards of the last twelve months, what happened felt exceptionally odious.    On a mezzo level, there was another horror that, while not as devastating, was personal. A trans woman with a large social media following wrote a thread on BlueSky in which she was prepared to delete her account. Long story short: her photos on her socials had been co-opted by some creep on X and transformed into nudes by Grok. The woman shared her story of being a survivor, how hard the recovery was, how difficult it still felt to claim bodily autonomy after all this time and how his actions brought it all back.  Two incidents with on...
Read more