11:59 Forever

 A Halloween poem...






It’s Halloween night and you’re 16

Coming off a boring shift at the grocery store

And looking forward to doing nothing and falling asleep

 

You hear the kids outside

It sounds like fun

Fun has never been for you

 

But you see someone enter the dark space to your room

It’s you, it’s me!

You don’t believe…

I’m in a long black robe with a black wig

And my eyes and lips are painted

Our eyes and lips are painted

No they’ll laugh at you

 

But I smile

“I know you Allison

__ Shuttup, yes, you are Allison

Take my hand”

I extend it

 

You’re too scared

You love the comfort and safety 

 

So fuck it

I GRAB your hand…

 

And we are here

Halloween night

The West Village

24 years later

 

When people asked what my costume was

I didn't know what to say at first

Eventually, it came to me...

I am the ghost of Halloween past

That was queer magic

That was you, at last getting to have fun

 

Let’s go in this bar

And see…

 

And see!

See how they talk to you

See how they flirt with you

See how they love you, Allison

All you needed was a girl to take your hand

And say “I am a girl

And so are you.”

We laugh, we dance, we drink

We do all the things you wanted to do

Without the straitjacket of masculinity

Do you see how you are loved?

Do you see how this community loves itself?

 

They are so beautiful when you talk to them

Not just because of looks or bodies

But because they care what you have to say

And they like that you listen

Because they were once girls

And you, deep down, are one too

And tonight, love, you get to be your true self

 

We leave one bar and go to another

We’re on the phone with our best friend

He still loves you, can you believe that?

Can you feel the magic in the air?

In this city you are waiting to love?

In this village where queerness is a living organism?

 

“But wait,” you say,

"It’s almost midnight." 

Spoken like a goody good.

Soon it will be tomorrow. 

And I promised to have you home.

 

But we don’t want the magic to end.

 

You get this night to see who you are 

And forgive yourself

And love yourself

And know that you are more than your job

Or your grades

Or your parents

Or the expectations others have of you

 

You are a girl

You are Allison

And you’re gay as fuck 

For girls

Do the jocks make fun of that?

You cannot imagine how much we will someday not care

 

So we don’t want this night to end

We’re walking down 8th

The next bar on our way.

 

“Let’s just not go back,”

You say,

“Let’s just stay in this moment, forever.”

 

And I think of all my adult wisdom

Knowing that mountaintop experiences end

Knowing that all things die

And that death is not the worst thing

 

But not tonight

 

“Fuck it,” I say

“Let it be 11:59 forever”

 

And it is.

In this poem

On this glorious fall night

In the world’s greatest city.

On our culture’s queerest holiday

As I take the hand of my 16 year old self

In a t-shirt, lacrosse sweatpants, holding a stuffed animal

In a black robe, black war paint, femme as fuck

Watching in amazement as the girls talk to us

Watching in amazement as we are the girl

Watching

As my young self is free

And I have set myself free


(Photo credit: Juliana Kaplan/Libertina Brandt/Business Insider)

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